just an aesthete

I love the ending of that song

it sounds like the music is being played in a big cathedral and I can faintly hear as I walk through the hallways and the soft sounds are hushed and they echo through the walls.

even if we try
even if we try

the days are very long now and the sun likes to stay awhile.

(do memories ever race around your head like do in mine)

cause we’re made of all the little mistakes

and pictures of our grandparents and dim lights in our bedrooms at night.

(and it’s really weird when I look over at the picture of you smiling knowing you we’re so much like me without ever hearing your voice)

I hate that you can’t trust me with whatever this is.
big or small deal

I already know it,
and it makes me cry and cry and stare out my windows in my dark room and wonder why I’m still here.

(it’s those times I wish I would’ve turned around and hugged you and sobbed into your chest and told you every little aching detail instead I kept walking.)

memories of camp and the bike rides rang in my head today.

I really miss these little memories and fragments a lot more than I ever thought I would.

I can see it the way your eyes light up when you talk about those summer nights, how much you miss it.

memories of you everywhere I go
you keep ending up in my shaking hands
my heart is sinking to the bottom of the ocean
my eyes are a raging sea
the clock is 10:37 and I don’t know why I’m still crying.

you make me remember I could be happy again
I’ve gotten so used to you I can’t really picture it without you.

it’s really all too much feeling at once
remembering all the nights id sit up and cry; you know I want to tell you what happened
but it’s also happy the little walks and sunshine painting our faces and these pictures of you I can’t get out of my head.

just because I’m feeling all of this sadness and happiness all at once doesn’t mean I’m not happy with you.

(the dandelion didn’t realize how beautiful she was. she looked at other flowers and saw what lovely colors they were, but never did she realize that the little ones and even the older ones with big hearts, would wish upon her.)

there will be times you’ll look up at your ceiling and wonder why you still stayed

I still listen to tick-tock of the cat clock when everything is silent and the room is black

and I wonder the same thing.

it’s not very easy and it’s not very fair getting close to someone like me

to think the most important people in my life are the only people that have seen me cry.

(standing outside on city sidewalks with voices in the soft air)

it’s funny to think,

that all the things that remind me of you
(paper airplanes + red balloons)

are things you eventually let go of.

but I’m not letting you go.

drinking and listening to music and dancing
being ridiculous but loving all in the same.

even though the day before I was sobbing staring at myself in the mirror seeing myself shatter right before my eyes and when I closed your car door I let it all go.

ill never forget that day cause I’ve never trusted anyone more than that.

I cried and cried told you how much I loved you

you said “it’s okay, I love you, it’s okay.”

it really will be, it will.

it still stings

knowing I can’t really relate to you

tell you all the things that have made me stir my tea slowly in the morning holding back my tears.

nothing has hurt you
there’s no visible scars
and mine are hushed secrets
but they are there.

(feels like I’m wearing my fathers clothes singing a song my brother would sing)

I worry about my actions;
think about the damage I do.